I remember how it was when I trusted myself. When I knew that each decision I took was the right one, that it would help me the way I had always wanted it to. That my decisions were final, I didn’t have to lean on anybody to make the choices that would ultimately end up defining my life. That I was sure of everything happening and it was almost as if it was happening with my consent. Except it was. It wasn’t going according to plan. Neither did I have any control over the things taking place. Contrary to my belief, instead if holding it all together, it was all slowly slipping away. It happened too quickly for me to realize.
When I was once the master of my own destiny, I can’t say the same for myself anymore. I seem to have lost my path, since I’m not sure about myself anymore. I’m not sure about the things I say, do or even believe in. I’m not sure I’m doing what’s best for me. There was a time, when I was confident I was, but not right now. I’m not sure it will be liked by people. I’m not sure they’ll acknowledge it. I’m not sure it’ll all get me where I want to. I’m not sure I’ll achieve what I want to. I’m stuck in a maze and it’s almost as if I’m constantly spinning against the wheels of time. The transition between that day and today is what intrigues me most. How I went from being supremely confident about myself to how lowly I feel about myself is what I dread. Today, I have to resort to relying on the people around me. Today, I act the way people tell me they would have. Today, I do the things a friend tells me she would have. Today, I don’t take the risks I should have. Today, I don’t say things I want to. Today, I’m trying to put down what it’s in my head but truth be told, this isn’t even half of it.